The Art of the Feel

Hey, everyone! It’s Oct. 19, and today’s column is about how our potential next president may have sexually assaulted numerous women — yeah, one of those days I guess. So before I get started, I’d just like to say: RUN, RUN RIGHT NOW. PUT THIS PAPER DOWN AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. NO, WAIT, pick this paper up. Read the rest of this column AND THEN RUN. RUN ALL THE WAY TO MEXICO. DON’T YOU DARE LOOK BACK. IF YOU’RE LUCKY YOU CAN GET THERE BEFORE THE WALL GOES UP. IT’S NOT TO KEEP MEXICANS OUT, IT’S TO KEEP US INMAKE SURE YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL BY JAN. 20. IF WE ELECT CLINTON, WE’LL SEND WORD FOR YOU TO RETURN, IN WHICH CASE, PLEASE BRING AVOCADOS, AS THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND CALIFORNIA HAS NO WATER.

Now, before I get on to completing this column and letting you make your way to Monterrey, I’d like to elucidate the fact that sexual misconduct is a serious issue that should not be taken lightly, and while satire is well and good, it should never be intended or interpreted as belittling a serious issue. So now, to segue from serious to satirical, here’s a transitional joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? BECAUSE MEXICO IS THAT WAY. DON’T JUST QUESTION HIS DECISION-MAKING PROCESS, FOLLOW THAT CHICKEN TO MEXICO.

The story is that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been accused by numerous women of sexual assault. The episode started when a leaked tape showed Trump bragging about kissing and groping women without consent.

Trump responded to the leakage of the tape by bringing three women who accused Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct to the second presidential debate two days later, thus flipping the script and getting on the attacking foot. It’s like they say – the best defense is a good sexual offense. At the debate, both candidates faced many questions, including one from Kenneth Bone, a red-sweatered, mustachioed man that the Internet immediately decided was adorable. BUT REMEMBER, Donald, his name might be Ken Bone, but that doesn’t mean you ken without consent.

Since the debate, nine women have come forward alleging that Trump sexually assaulted them. It reminds me a lot of the recent Bill Cosby scandals. Do you remember how everyone liked Bill Cosby until those women came forward, and now everyone hates him? It’s like that, just without the liking him before the allegations part.

To recap, the order of events looks something like this:

Trump: I kiss and grope women, haha!

Response: Yes actually he does, in fact, he did it to me.

Trump: What?! I would never kiss or grope women, since I respect women the most. Get a load of these ugly, lying broads!

On the plus side, PolitiFact is expected to give Trump’s leaked comments that he kisses and gropes women without consent a rating of Definitely True, his first positive rating from the organization this election cycle.