Oh, Hey, Look, Another Debate Commentary

It’s Wednesday, Oct. 5, which means it’s basically Halloween. Which means happy Thanksgiving! Which means wow, I can’t believe it’s winter break already.

It also means that the first presidential debate was nine days ago. I know, I’m super late to the post-debate discussion party, and I’m sorry — it’s just that my parents taught me to never discuss money, religion or politics in front of company, and it took me eight days to realize no one reads these things. (That reminds me, I need to deduct that $100 donation I made to the Church of Scientology from my taxable income.)

As for last Monday, I was offended by people’s quickness to judge Hillary Clinton’s outfit. Everyone immediately got to talking about her decision to wear a bright red suit, which was unfair, since no one stopped for a second to discuss Trump’s bold choice to go with the bright orange skin (another skin joke, yea, sheesh).

For Clinton to win the debate, she had to put up a near-perfect performance, while Trump just had to come off like he wasn’t possibly, plausibly, potentially on cocaine (at least one former governor was not convinced). Despite the bar being set at pole vault height for Clinton and limbo level for Trump, polls show that the former came away victorious. Quick with an excuse, Trump noted after the debate that his microphone was defective, which I had noticed right away — it was having this weird effect where it made everything he said sound completely fucking stupid.

Clinton’s strategy during and after the debate has been one passed along by the Obamas: “When they go low, we go high.” Speaking of the Obamas, I’m betting Barack can’t wait for Clinton to take office, so he can get back to “going high” whenever he wants.

In Other News!

One in hole: Arnold Palmer, who will go down as the world’s most beloved golfer, died last week. I’m half devastated and half heartbroken.

Unhappy feet: An endangered South African penguin was stolen from his enclosure and will likely die unless found within two or three weeks. In other news, Taken 4 is shaping up to be the series’ cutest iteration yet.

Don’t worry, bee happy: A new study shows that bees feel elevated levels of optimism when given sweets. This is the biggest discovery in the field of bee emotion since I discovered 11 seconds ago that bee emotion is apparently a field of study.

This column brought to you by Taken 4: This Time, It’s Adorable.