On Thursday night, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton put their differences aside in order to attend the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, an annual fundraiser for Catholic charities. As is tradition at the dinner, the two presidential candidates (that matter) each roasted the other. Secretary Clinton went the traditional comedic route, while Trump gave a glimpse into his foreign policy by bombing indiscriminately. Unfortunately, Clinton decided not to go with any of the jokes I pitched to her via email earlier this month. Sad! Since she’s not using the material, I figured I might as well share it with you. Here’s the email:
From: Kevin Lawson <Kmasterfresh@gmail.com>
Subject: Donald Trump Roast
Date: October 11, 2016 at 7:36:14 PM EDT
Classification Level: Not worth deleting
Hi, Hillary! I wrote some jokes for you to use at the Al Smith dinner. Please practice them in front of a mirror and make note of the sorts of pauses and eye contact that humans make while engaging in humor. By the way, The Tufts Daily pays me $450 per joke, and I’m looking for competitive pricing. I have Venmo.
Hello, everyone! It is an honor to be here at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, where we are raising money for Catholic charities, which are like agnostic charities, except they can actually make up their minds about whom to help. As I speak, waiters will be coming around with bread and wine — please drink liberally, since these jokes get funnier after two or three glasses of the blood of Christ. To those with celiac disease, we apologize, but Christ’s body contains gluten. There’s plenty of kale in hell though, so look forward to that.
There may be many Catholic figures here, but this fundraiser isn’t just about a religion. It’s about certain values and traditions that we hold dear. Ever since our country was founded on the principle of religious freedom for anyone with the same religion as us, these values have been the bedrock of our society and our politics.
It’s true that, in past presidential elections, we’ve been unwilling to look beyond traditional Christian candidates, but the times, they are a-changin’! Whereas we used to live in a country where only a married, Christian man with kids could be president, we’ve grown into a wonderfully inclusive country where even a married, Christian woman with kids can be president. Progress!
Catholic values are so big in American politics that last September, Pope Francis visited and spoke with certain members of Congress. The next day, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced his resignation. Your Holiness, whatever you said to Boehner, do you think you could come back and say it to Trump? Or would you at least ask the man upstairs what he was thinking when he made him? Are we being punished for something? Is this because “The Big Bang Theory” is TV’s most-watched show? Wow, actually, you’re right, we deserve this.
All I ask is that when Trump dies, you remind St. Peter of Trump’s favorability toward an “extreme vetting” process that keeps bad people out of places.