Graphic Raw Footage Captures Police and Black Man Getting Along Swimmingly

In the last few years, stories of police misconduct have incited much anti-police rhetoric, but it is important that blame not be aimed at police. It is not their fault. Fault lies with the badge, for it unleashes evil when worn; it makes its wearer invulnerable, instilling in Him the desire to rule; it harnesses deep in his soul the godly power of the Dark Lord Sauron! Wait, no, that’s the One Ring from The Lord of the Rings. What does a police badge make you do again? Nothing? Then why do cops keep fucking shooting people?

Last Wednesday, Obama tried delicately to address this question in a speech to the International Association of Chiefs of Police. Key word “tried.” It was made particularly difficult for him by the fact that his motorcade kept getting pulled over on his way to the speech.

Once he finally arrived, Obama discussed the tension between police and the African American community. But he didn’t want to step on any policeman toes – not since the “ouchie toes” riots of 2014. He ended up looking like a regular Lincoln (the important one, not Chafee) by suggesting that black lives matter and that most police are upstanding citizens.

Ugh. Leave it to Obama to point out the merits in everyone’s argument and acknowledge the complexity of an issue. Gosh, he’s so reasonable, rational, reserved, it really grinds my gears. It just makes me want to get him in a wrestling hold and suplex him to the ground, you know? And just wail on him so hard that he understands how frustrating he can be! And just start swinging my baton at him like a wildman! Like, “this one’s for talking so slowly! This one’s for breaking those campaign promises! This one’s for bullying me in school and always making me feel inadequate in a psychologically formative stage, forging in me an ever-present need to overcompensate by asserting my physical dominance!” You know, cause he’s so frustrating.

As if Obama’s speech hadn’t solved race relations, a Clinton rally was interrupted by protesters chanting “black lives matter” just two days after his address. Hillary replied, “yes, they do, but I already have the black vote in the bag. Who here wants me to talk about how New Hampshire undecided lives matter?”

Whether law enforcement is systematically flawed is up for debate. Perhaps this is just the result of intense media focus on a few “bad apples.” I know I sure hate biting into a perfectly fine-looking apple just to find an icky worm inside. And then when that worm shoots me repeatedly, that’s just so gross.

After Obama’s address, the head of the police organization went to shake his hand, but froze in his tracks when he smelled a unique scent. “Mr. President, is that marijuana I smell?” Obama chuckled, thinking back to his college days. “That’s an interesting question, Mr. Cunningham. And let me start by saying, RUN! GET THE MOTORCADE! PEACE OUT, NARCS!”