Nation’s 45th President To Be [Hillary Clinton / Donald Trump]

The tribe has spoken! Today is the second Wednesday of November, which means that yesterday we officially elected a new president! However, this column was due for submission on Monday, so it was written before most of the ballots were cast and counted. I decided to just go ahead and write about the outcome of the election anyway. You might be thinking, “How do you write an article when you have nothing to report?” Well, there are two ways. The first: Be BuzzFeed. The second: Use brackets!

In this article, whenever you see brackets, simply circle whichever option applies. Here’s a practice example: The best show currently on television is [“Westworld” / “Westworld”]. Okay, I guess that was a bad example. Anyway, on to the election.

Our 45th president will be [Hillary Clinton / Donald Trump / Garett Johnston (sp?)]! This result marks back-to-back groundbreaking presidencies, as the nation’s first black president will be succeeded by the first [woman / sociopathic scarecrow] ever to earn the office. According to exit polls, what really tipped the scales were the efforts of [female and minority voters / Vladimir Putin wearing thousands of different disguises].

Our new president’s first act in the Oval Office will be to [appoint a qualified Cabinet / have lavish, gold-colored cabinets installed]. Within the first 100 days of the new administration, we’ll hopefully see [immigration reform, a Supreme Court appointment and investment in education and technology / have you seen Designated Survivor? Maybe something like that?].

Now that Election Day has passed, we can finally take a much-needed break from the stress and monotony that came with the nonstop election coverage.

Alright, that was a fun break. Now let’s get back to filling those 24-hour news cycles with some polling data. For 2020, polls are pointing toward a [Clinton re-election / suspension of democracy until we figure out what’s going on]. Then, keep an eye out for Paul Ryan’s 2024 campaign, which is gaining support in Wisconsin despite suspicious ties to Big Cheese. Meanwhile, Anthony Weiner is projected to somehow be popular again in time for a 2028 bid, and Brent Matherson looks like he’s going to ride the support of sixth and seventh grade girls directly to the title of Most Popular Boy at Lakeview Middle School.

Regardless of who we’ve ended up choosing, this campaign season made one thing clear: We as a nation have not been appreciative enough of our leaders in the past. If only we could go back to those good old days under [Barack Obama / Great Britain].