Conservatives: Boehner Too Soft

CONSERVATIVES: A REAL REPUBLICAN INSTEAD!

DEMOCRATS: Wait. Wait wait wait. Nevermind. We take it back, Boehner is fine. Guys?

CONSERVATIVES: TOO LATE! GOVERNMENT MUST GO! CITIES WILL BE RUN BY THE MAN WHO CAN SCREAM THE LOUDEST AAAAAAAOOAAHHHHHHHH!

That’s kind of the conversation transpiring in the House of Representatives, as pressure from the right flank has compelled Speaker John Boehner to resign. Boehner has scheduled his departure for October 30th, which can’t be a coincidence. You don’t just coincidentally leave your job the day before Halloween. Not when you finally have an opportunity to wear that “slutty Speaker of the House” outfit that everyone complained about at work (honestly, if you’re not going to let people dress casual, stop calling it casual Friday).

A recent Republican campaign against Planned Parenthood has left the party torn, as those labeling the organization “super duper horrible” have come under fire from those labeling it “super duper duper horrible,” such as the House Freedom Caucus. After Boehner hinted that he might not shut down the government in protest of federal funding for Planned Parenthood, the HFC pounced. Here’s the thing they’re missing: Boehner is the second of twelve children. I promise, no one in the Boehner household uses contraceptives, let alone supports abortion. Their family tree is like something out of “Avatar”.

Republican scorn for Planned Parenthood comes despite the breakdown of its services being 34% contraception, 42% STD treatment, and 3% abortion. Asked to comment on this breakdown, the HFC issued the following press release: “While we are aware that 97% of Planned Parenthood services are non-abortion health services, we maintain our position that ‘boys rule; girls drool,’ so we stand by our position to defund.” So much has been put into legislative writing in bill S.1881, named for the last year it might have been popularly supported.

The thorn in the Republican Party’s side is made of 30-40 extreme conservatives, and not extreme in the cool way, like the X Games, or doing shrooms, or (OMG YO) both at the same time??? Extreme in the sense that they think the U.S. government is a Nintendo 64, and if it’s ever acting screwy, you can fix it by just turning it off and turning if on again.

Former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan, perhaps the last hope for the torn Republicans, has steadfastly shut down requests to serve as Speaker, recognizing that the position involves bipartisan dialogue, AKA politics-cooties. He has opined that he’s grateful for the support he’s received, but the Speakership is “a good job for an empty nester,” while he has 3 children and 2 amazing biceps to spend time with at home.